


a shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn

by nott_the_best1



Series: if only it were true au [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Coma, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, if only it were true au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25102057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nott_the_best1/pseuds/nott_the_best1
Summary: When Eddie Diaz found an affordable apartment near the firehouse he was hired at, he knew it was too good to be true. It wasn’t enough that he was living in his new teammates’ dead teammate’s apartment, though, of course, the apartment had to be haunted. By the new teammates’ dead teammate. if only it were true au.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: if only it were true au [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1818013
Comments: 28
Kudos: 126
Collections: Buddie Big Bang 2020





	a shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this is a week late! It totally slipped my mind. this is very, very loosely base on marc levy's novel if only it were true, with many liberties taken. thanks to jo-anne (@jo_anne_storm) for the art, more links in end notes! Without further ado, here's my fic for the buddie big bang 2020!

When Eddie Diaz found an affordable apartment near the firehouse he was hired at, he knew it was too good to be true. It wasn’t enough that he was living in his new teammates’ dead teammate’s apartment, though, of course, the apartment had to be haunted. By the new teammates’ dead teammate. 

The Diaz family had an affinity for a unique ability: they could see dead people. It started as a child and usually faded over the few years leading up to puberty, but every once in a while the ability stuck. Such is the case of Eddie. It was mostly a curse. He found that the best course of action was to ignore the ghosts since they wouldn’t know he could see them unless he indicated it anyways. Usually, if they did, they began to plead with him. They were desperate. He understood, they were likely good people with unfinished business that got stuck watching the world go on without them. Before Eddie, they likely hadn’t interacted with anyone else who wasn’t also a trapped soul. Occasionally, it was a gift. Such as when Eddie’s estranged wife, his son’s mother, passed away. But only occasionally. 

His only solace was that he shared his ability with Christopher, but he knew that his eight-year-old son’s abilities would likely start to fade in a couple years’ time. 

As they moved into the new apartment, there was nothing. Eddie was clinging to the hope that the new apartment would be void of ghosts and the mayhem they can bring, but he knew it would be too good to be true. He appeared as Eddie was cooking dinner, standing tall and handsome and unbearably sad. Eddie ignored him at first, which wasn’t too difficult because he never spoke. It wasn’t until later that night while Eddie was washing the dishes and Christopher was in the living room playing with his new toy fire engine that his  _ bisabuela _ had gotten him to commemorate the new apartment and Eddie’s new job that their story truly began. 

“I was a firefighter,” the ghost said quietly. 

“My daddy’s a firefighter!” Chris exclaimed before he could stop himself. 

The ghost’s eyes widened in shock. “You- Did you hear that?” 

Chris shot a panicked look at his father. He knew that he wasn’t supposed to talk to ghosts unless his dad told him it was okay, but sometimes it was hard. They were in a new city, and he was eager for a new friend. 

The ghost turned his attention towards Eddie. “You- Can you see me, too?” 

Eddie sighed. Perhaps it was better to be on amicable terms with the ghost haunting his new apartment. He nodded. 

“You didn’t say anything.” 

“We’re not supposed to talk to dead people,” Christopher confessed. “That’s what Daddy always says.” 

He looked back at Eddie expectantly. Eddie chose his words carefully. “It’s not usually… productive to interact with… ghosts, spirits, souls, whatever you want to call them.” 

“What- what do you mean? Why can you two see me?” 

“I don’t know, it’s not exactly a science. My whole family has been able to see them, but the ability usually fades away as we grow up. Just an unlucky few of us keep the ‘sight’ or whatever into adulthood. Sorry for ignoring you, but I’ve been dealing with ghosts for a long time. Most people… after a while, they begin to forget. They don’t even realize that they’re dead. They get stuck in some routine, a loop that will continue over and over again until finally crossing over or… I don’t know. I’m not God. Usually, interrupting that… it’s not good for anyone involved, okay? That’s why I didn’t say anything.” 

“But why… I’m not in a loop. I don’t think. I mean, I mostly just sit here and let the time pass. Sometimes, I go to the firehouse and just… watch. That’s where I was before I came back here and realized someone had moved into my apartment. I went to my sister’s place a couple of times, but… it just hurt too much, to see her hurting that much. Why am I different?” 

“I don’t know.” It was true. The only ghost he had ever met that was more… sentient, in control, was Shannon’s. And that was only for a few minutes. Each of the times that he’d interrupted a loop had snapped the dead out of their stupor, usually with disastrous consequences. He didn’t like to think about it like that, but after a while, it was almost as if their humanity had deteriorated along with whatever was left of them on this Earth. This was the first time in 32 years that he’d ever seen a ghost consciously interact with a changing environment. “I mean… it was probably pretty recent, right?” 

The ghost nodded, growing a bit distant. 

“Can I show him my video games, dad?” Chris asked excitedly, flipping the mood of the room upside down, as he usually does. 

Eddie sighed. “Look, it’s getting late.” He looked down at his son. “We should start getting you ready for bed, bud.” 

“But Dad-” 

“Nope. It’s been a long day. You can show-” He looked back at the ghost, realizing he’d never gotten his name. 

“Buck. I’m Buck.” 

“You can show Buck your video games tomorrow.” He helped Chris up and then hesitated. “I’m Eddie, by the way. This is Christopher.” 

“Welcome to LA, Eddie. And to my apartment, even if I don’t fully agree with your interior design choices.” Eddie expected a smirk, but instead he was met with a soft smile. Life could never be simple or easy for him, could it? 

* * *

Buck was gone in the morning, maybe off people watching somewhere. Maybe he just didn’t want to be seen. Eddie was thankful for it, though, because getting Chris ready in a timely manner was hard enough as it is, and if Buck were there, any motivation to put on real clothes or eat breakfast would be thrown completely out the window. Eddie got both himself and his son ready with just enough time to get Chris to his abuela’s and get himself to the station by the time he was supposed to report. 

He couldn’t help but feel like his welcome was a bit cold. It’s not like he was expecting a party or anything, but at least some smiles and introductions. Only one person had actually greeted him with a smile - a woman named Hen who also introduced a man called Chimney. She was kind enough to point him in the direction of the captain’s office. 

He knocked on the door and it seemed to startle the man sitting at the desk a bit. “Oh! You must be Eddie!” 

“I am. And you are… Captain Nash?” 

The captain stood up and came to the door, extending his hand. “Please, call me Bobby. Come in, take a seat. I have a few things to go over with you, and then I’ll give you an official tour of the station.” He sat back down at his desk and started moving some files around his messy desk. “We’re so happy to have you joining us.” 

Eddie wanted to say that the station had seemed less than inviting, but he didn’t want to be rude. He needed this job. “Thank you, sir. I’m happy to be here.” 

“You come very highly recommended from the Fire Academy in El Paso. I think your skill sets will be a very big help here. I have to admit, things at the station have been pretty messy since… Well, we haven’t had a full team for this shift in a while, it was all temporary placements and shift covers, so I’m glad to have a permanent new edition for our team. You should know, our team lost a member a few months ago. It’s been very hard on everyone, but I’m hoping that your placement here will be a step in the right direction for our team.” 

Suddenly, all of the looks and cold shoulders made sense to him. He was the replacement. “Ah, thank you for sharing that with me, sir. I know what it’s like to lose a teammate. I’m very sorry for your loss.” 

“Thanks, Eddie. Now, let’s finish with all of this paperwork, and I can show you around the station.” 

They got through the paperwork quickly, and soon Bobby was showing him around. The firehouse was nice - really nice, definitely nicer than any house he’d actually lived in before. Eddie knew that his place in the firehouse might not be ideal, but walking around the station with Bobby as his guide, knowing what he knew, he began to understand it. He could feel it in the air, in the messy desk, the disorganized kitchen, the eerie stillness that crept up on them every once in a while. He could feel the grief, the pain. It was tangible. But it was also recovering. It was a slow process, but they were falling into a new normal. There would be a future for them, one with Eddie. 

The last stop on the tour was the locker room. 

“You can pick any locker you want that doesn’t have a name plate on it,” Bobby told him. “Get settled, and then I’ll introduce you to everyone formally.” 

Eddie looked around, there were only a couple of blank lockers. One caught his eye, though - Buckley. That was the name. The locker was marked, but there was no lock on it, not like the others. This was too much to be a coincidence, wasn’t it? Buck had said he used to be a firefighter. And of course… the apartment had opened up almost at the same time as the spot at the station. He felt silly not putting the pieces together until now. He approached the locker slowly, afraid to confirm what he suspected - that he was living in his new teammates’ dead teammate’s apartment, an apartment that was now haunted by said dead teammate. 

“That one’s taken,” a voice said from behind him. It was Hen, the woman from earlier. 

“Oh, of course, sorry.” Eddie took a couple steps back quickly. “That, uh, that’s the, uh, teammate you lost, right?” 

“He was more than just a coworker.” 

“Oh, uh, of course. I’m really sorry, Hen. I know how hard that is.” 

She nodded slowly. “Sorry if we’ve been… less than welcoming. We are glad you’re here, it’s just… a new hire feels like giving up. It means accepting that he’s never coming back. I mean, it’s been months. This was a necessary step, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy. It just- all I mean to say, is that it might take everyone a little while to warm up to you, new guy. Don’t take it personally.” 

“Noted. Thanks, Hen.”   
She shrugged it off. “I’ll see you out there.” 

The rest of his introductory shift when smoothly and quickly. It wasn’t a full shift, just a short one to get him acquainted with the station. He’d join them for his first real shift on their next 24-hour shift in three days. He left around two, and he figured that was enough time to go back to his new apartment and finish getting moved in while Chris was still wrapped up in his visit with his bisabuela. Eddie would join them for dinner in a few hours. 

When he returned to the apartment, Buck was sitting on the couch. He didn’t move when Eddie arrived, as hadn’t even heard him. Eddie had seen ghosts do weirder things, though, than zone out before, so he didn’t think about it too hard. 

“What did you do today?” Eddie asked. “Go to the station?” 

“Oh, no. I, uh, how long has it been? Since we talked? I can’t remember.” 

“It was last night.” 

“Oh, right. Yes. Good.” 

Eddie bit his lip. If Buck was the fallen friend from the station, his lucidity was almost certainly just because he hadn’t been gone long enough to slip away. “So, your station? The 118?” 

He snapped his head towards Eddie. “How’d you know that?” 

“Had my first shift today. They really miss you.” 

“Oh, uh, I don’t usually go there when they’re on shift.” 

“That makes sense. Must be hard to watch and not be able to say anything.” 

Buck didn’t respond. 

“Look, man, I don’t usually do stuff like this, but I feel like our situation is a little different than most of the people I meet. So if there are some loose ends you need to tie up, I’ll help you. Whatever you need to move on.” A part of him didn’t want to see Buck slip into mindless nothingness. He didn’t want Buck to get stuck in some loop down the street that he and Chris pass on the way out the door in the mornings. Despite barely knowing him, and surely knowing only the small piece of him that existed in this apartment, he understood how Buck’s death had left shockwaves in his wake. He was charming, beautiful, funny… Eddie could only imagine what it was like to know someone like this in real life. If he was a firefighter, and a good one by the sounds of it, he was surely a kind, giving person. He didn’t deserve to fade away in wake of some unfinished business. If he was dead, he deserved the best the afterlife had to offer, and Eddie wanted to give him that. Another part of Eddie, though, the selfish part, knew what an inconvenience it could be, both living in Buck’s apartment and working at his old station. It would be hard to avoid getting his toes stepped on, and it’s hard to blame a spirit that doesn’t know what he’s doing. Chris had already taken a liking to him, too, and Eddie knew that Buck being stuck would hurt him more than anything has since his mother passed. 

So, Eddie would help him. Whatever Buck needed to move on from this life and achieve peace, or whatever the hell was left for them once they escaped this realm. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

“I mean, people who get stuck, they usually have something unfinished that’s keeping them tethered here. Like, if someone got murdered and their killer got away with it or something.” 

Buck sat down and looked down. “It was a car accident, no killer. I don’t know. I mean, I miss my family and everyone from the station and- but there’s nothing.” 

Eddie chewed on the inside of his cheek. “Do you want to move on?” 

“I don’t want to be stuck here.” Buck sighed. “I need Maddie and everyone to move on, and they are, but it hurts to watch.” 

“Okay, look, I need to pick up Christopher, so why don’t you think on it, and later we can figure all of this out.” 

Buck nodded slowly, but Eddie couldn’t even begin to guess what was going on in that pretty head of his. He picked up his keys and left without a goodbye, and when he returned, Buck was gone again. 

Buck did not return that entire evening, which was a little less than ideal for Eddie when he needed to make dinner, give Chris a bath, and get him in bed early enough that waking him for his first day of school won’t be too much of a hassle, but all Chris wanted to do was ask about Buck. He was mad because he hadn’t had a chance to show him his video games yet. 

The problem was, Buck wasn’t permanent. He never would be. He didn’t know how to tell Chris that, though, without breaking his heart. Eddie glanced at the framed photo of the three of them - him, Christopher, and Shannon - sitting on the shelf beneath the TV. 

Then again, maybe Christopher already knew, and he was just enjoying the time he had. 

* * *

“Eddie, Buck isn’t dead,” Hen said. He’d been working at the station for nearly two weeks now. He’d seen Buck plenty, but they still hadn’t gotten very far in what Buck needed closure from. The only request Buck could even think of was meddling in his sister’s and Chimney’s love lives. Apparently, they’d been getting pretty flirty, even went on a date, but then there was this whole thing with Maddie’s abusive ex-husband, then Buck’s accident, and everything kind of fell apart. Buck was convinced that they would make each other happy if they would just accept it, but Maddie had been avoiding the station and everyone from it since the accident. 

“What? Sorry, I mean, I guess I shouldn’t have assumed-” Eddie fumbled over his words. What did she mean? The ghost in his apartment seemed pretty dead to him, and all of this talk of him being gone… 

“He’s in a coma,” Chimney offered. “About as good as dead, at least at this point, though.” 

Hen gave him a somewhat playful punch to the shoulder. “Don’t say shit like that, Chim.” 

He shook his head and looked down. “It’s true, though. It’s only a matter of time before they pull the plug. I’m surprised that they haven’t yet.” 

“Have you talked to Maddie recently?” 

“Nah, she said she’d tell me if anything big happened, or was going to happen, so I guess they’re still just… in limbo.” 

It was a bit of a strange conversation to sit in on when he’d never known Buck when he was alive, but Eddie was glad that they were comfortable enough to have these types of conversations with him. 

Hen sighed. “Look, stranger things have happened, you know? I heard about some idiot who survived a piece of rebar through his skull.” 

Eddie furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. In response, Hen and Chim pointed simultaneously to the faint red scar on Chim’s forehead. “Holy shit,” Eddie whispered before he could stop himself. 

Hen smirked before her eyes got sad again, suring reminiscing on something in a distant past that Eddie was no part of. 

“So, who’s Maddie, again?” Eddie asked. He wasn’t totally sure how much Hen and Chim had told him, and how much was Buck. Anything Buck told him, though, was information he shouldn’t know, as far as they were concerned. 

The pair glanced at each other. “Buck’s sister,” Hen told him. 

“Oh, right. Did you- do you know her well?”  _ Subtle, Eddie. _ He could hear Buck’s voice sitting in the back of the head. He was  _ not _ the person to ask when it came to meddling. 

“You can say that,” Chimney said quietly without elaborating. 

Hen opened her mouth to speak before stopping herself, then starting again. “It’s been hard on her - on all of us - since the accident. I think, for her, being around us just makes it worse. We haven’t seen her much ‘cept for in the hospital, but Chim checks in on her sometimes.” 

Eddie nodded. He didn’t want to overstep, but he also figured that there was no better time than this moment to start trying to bring Maddie and Chimney, in addition to the rest of the team, together. “I get it. Grief can tear people apart as much as it brings them together.” He thought for a moment. “After his mom died, Chris wouldn’t talk to anyone, not even me. But then… Shannon’s sister visited. She told him that she missed her and that she just wanted to talk about her, if he wanted to listen. She told him stories from when they were kids, stories that she’d never told me, pieces of her that I’d never have been able to give him. The remembering… it hurts, but it’s important. It keeps a part of them alive, somehow. It reminds you of the value of the loved ones you still have. I know neither of you might be ready for it right now, but it might help. Remembering with her.” He glanced at Chim as he said ‘you,’ though a passerby would have easily said that he was talking about a collective - the station and Maddie. 

They were both silent for a moment. Chim nodded, considering what he said. Hen spoke first. “You never- You’ve never told us that before.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“About Christopher’s mother. I mean, it was obvious that she wasn’t in your lives, but… I’m sorry, Eddie.” Hen frowned a bit. 

Eddie sighed. “Oh. Right. I, uh-” He cleared his throat. “I guess I don’t really talk about it… it’s just, Shannon and I were estranged for years. We hadn’t been in love in a very long time, if we ever were in the first place. Definitely not after Christopher was born. It was… complicated, to say the least. Chris didn’t deserve the shit we put him through. A few years before she died, she left, and she’d only just re-entered our lives a couple months before her death. If you added all the time that Shannon and I actually spent together, physically, in the same home, the same city, since Chris was born… I doubt it’d even add up to a month. We were about to file for a divorce. It doesn’t really feel fair to call myself a widow.” Eddie blinked, realizing how much he’d overshared. 

“You still lost someone, Ed,” Hen told him sincerely. 

“Yeah, I guess so.” Suddenly, they were interrupted by a loud alarm and a voice over the intercom. Eddie’s lip curled. “Saved by the bell.” 

* * *

Eddie wasn’t sure how much his anecdote actually helped, but he would need to keep trying to get the team to reconnect with Maddie somehow. Ideally, the insane chemistry that Buck insisted she and Chimney had would take care of the rest, but even if it didn’t, getting them in the same room, talking to each other, was the first step towards anything Buck wanted to happen. Buck had other things on his mind, though, when Eddie returned home the next day after his shift. Buck was really starting to interfere with his sleep after shifts - he’d planned to sleep through the school day so that he could pick up Chris from school afterwards and spend as much time with him as possible - but Eddie was physically and mentally incapable of saying no to Buck. 

“How do you think Bobby is doing with everything?” 

Eddie thought for a moment. “Uh, I don’t really know, I guess. He seems fine. He just keeps to himself.” 

Buck nodded slowly. “You guys didn’t have family dinner.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“At the station, Bobby would always make us cook with him and we’d eat a big meal together. Family dinner. You guys don’t do that anymore, do you?” Buck looked away with sad eyes. 

“Uh, no, I guess not.” They eat together and cook together sometimes - after all, they routinely spent 24 hours with one another and mealtimes are about the same for all of them - but not in an intentional, organized way like Buck was describing. “When were you at the station? I didn’t see you.” 

“Last night. You were busy cleaning the engines after a call. I just came by to check in.” 

They were quiet for a moment. “That sounds nice. The family dinner thing.” 

“It was.” They were quiet some more. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but Bobby used to have a wife and kids, a long time ago, before Athena, before LA. They died, and he blamed himself for it. I’m just worried… I’m worried that he feels guilty. It’s… complicated. Can you just check in on him maybe?” 

Not for the first time, Eddie felt like there was something Buck wasn’t telling him. “Uh, okay, sure, I can try.” 

“Thanks, Eddie. For everything. You make… you know, you make this whole situation a little less awful.” The smile on his face was one of pain, but it was also of sincerity. 

Eddie didn’t know how to respond. “Of course,” that was all he could find. 

“You should get some sleep. You look like shit.” 

He glared and smirked. “You’re lucky you’re not corporeal,” he teased, “or else I’d challenge you to a fight right now.” 

Buck only rolled his eyes. 

* * *

“You doing okay?” 

Eddie blinked. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean, you still look exhausted, Eddie. I’d make you a cup of coffee but somehow you still haven’t unpacked your coffee machine.” Buck gestured at the boxes Eddie still hadn’t gotten around to unpacking. He’d just gotten home from picking up Chris from school. Buck’s eyes went wide with realization. “You do own a coffee machine, don’t you? Look, half the time, you look like the dead one. I don’t blame you, either, Mr. full-time single parent, full-time firefighter.”

He shrugged in response. “Yeah, I mean, it’s been a lot, I won’t lie. But I already ask so much of my abuela, and it’s not like she has the energy she did when she was raising her own kids. This is just… how it is.” 

“But what if it weren’t?” Eddie narrowed his eyes. “I was just thinking, I used to be friends with this home health aide. She’s incredible at her job, and she lives nearby. I’m not sure whether or not she’s looking for a new client right now, but maybe I could give you her name and you can give her a call? I mean, I’d set you up myself, but I have a feeling she’d be surprised to hear from me.” 

“Uh, okay. And what exactly am I supposed to say when she asks where I got her name?” 

Buck shrugged. “Just say you work at the station, someone dropped her name.”

Eddie sighed and relented. “Okay, fine. Give me her name. I’ll give her a call, but no promises. She’s probably not taking new clients and even if she were, there’s no certainty that we would even be able to coordinate it all.” 

Buck raised his fists in a silent triumph. “You won’t regret this, Eddie. All I’m asking is a conversation. Even if she can’t help you with Chris, I know she knows someone who can. I mean, who wouldn’t want to get paid to take care of that kid all day? I’m jealous honestly.” They went silent for a moment as Buck looked down. “I wish I could help more, Eddie.” 

“You already help so much, Buck. And now, with this… we’re really lucky to have you around, looking out for us. I don’t want to imagine what moving to LA would have been like without you around.” 

“I just- I just wish-” 

“I know.” He wished he wasn’t a ghost. He wished he could cook Christopher dinner and play multiplayer with him instead of just guide him through his favorite video games verbally. He wished he could help him when he stumbled or needed a hug. He wished he could be reliable, he could keep Chris company without the possibility of accidentally, literally, ghosting him. 

“Get some more sleep, Eddie. I’ll come wake you if we need anything.” 

Eddie nodded and left towards his bedroom as Buck greeted Chris and asked him how his day was. All Eddie could think about, selfishly, was how despite everything he was doing to help Buck move on, despite knowing that’s what the man deserved, he didn’t want Buck to go. 

* * *

“Good morning, Captain Nash.” 

“Morning, Eddie. To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

“I just wanted to check in. Everyone at the station has been so great, even if things were rocky at first. I know the circumstances of my placement here weren’t ideal. I wanted to thank you for this opportunity. I feel very lucky to be able to work with this crew.” 

“Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ in there somewhere?” 

“No ‘but’s. I, um, I’m sorry if this is too forward, but my first day here, you told me that you hoped my appointment here was a step towards the station healing. And, well, truthfully, I think they’ve been doing that on their own. I- I can’t help but notice, though, that the Captain Nash I’ve heard so much about isn’t one that I’ve been able to spend much time with.” 

“What are you trying to pull here, Eddie?” 

“Nothing! I’m not- I just wanted you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” 

“Thank you, Eddie, but that’s truly unnecessary.” He was silent for a moment. Eddie was about to apologize and take his leave before Bobby spoke again. “I agreed to hire you as a favor, you know. You’re lucky to have been hired anywhere after what you pulled in Texas. You may have not been convicted of anything, but street fighting? It doesn’t exactly look good on a resume, Eddie.” 

Eddie sat down across from Bobby’s desk and took a breath. He crossed a line and Bobby, in turn, was crossing back. He wanted Eddie to remember who was in control. He understood that. He sighed. “I know. It was a mistake. It was- I’m so lucky. Things could have gone so, so much worse for me. I could have been thrown in prison, I could have lost my son, I could have  _ killed _ someone. I could have died. I’m not proud of what I’ve done, Captain, but I came to this city for a fresh start, to heal. After my wife died, I just- I felt so angry, so guilty and I didn’t know where to put it all, so I… I put it in my fists. I, personally, am intimately familiar with ignoring grief and turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms.” 

“I’m not you, Eddie.” 

“Oh, I know. I mean, I felt relief when I first found out Shannon had died. I mean, she’d come back after leaving for years, we finally started rebuilding our family, and then she asked me for a divorce and- the first thought I had when I found out she died in some terrible freak accident was relief. What kind of horrible monster does that make me, right? I wouldn’t assume that of anyone.” 

Bobby sighed. “You’re not a monster. You’re just human. Buck’s accident was my fault,” he confessed. 

“For some reason, I have a hard time believing that.” 

“About six months before the accident, there was uh… a bombing. It was meant for me, but Buck was the one hurt. He spent months recovering, working towards coming back to work. There were some, uh, setbacks, and in the end, I was the one who blocked his request to be reinstated. I just- I was worried he’d get hurt again. When I told them out, he, uh… he didn’t take it well. He filed a lawsuit against the department and wasn’t talking to any of us. And then there was a car accident. If it wasn’t for me, there would have been no bombing, no blood thinners, no lawsuit. Buck would be fine. Every step of the way, until that day, everything was my fault.” 

Eddie sat in silence for a moment. He didn’t know any of that. Buck never talked about the accident or anything before it, nor did anyone else at the station. Nothing anyone had ever said would have even hinted that Buck wasn’t talking to the station at the time of the accident. The one thing he did know, though, was that no one else saw it the way Bobby did. He sighed. “When was the last time you saw the Lion King?” 

Bobby blinked. “What?” 

“Christopher got a therapist right after his mom died and she suggested we watch it together. I mean, some of this stuff, it’s like, written for kids, right? But it’s not like adults are any better at handling their grief. Anyways, it’s a classic, but I didn’t remember anything. Look, you’re like Simba, okay? Scar tells him if he were never born, Scar wouldn’t have needed to kill his dad, so his death is his fault. Which, like, seems like some pretty faulty logic to an outsider, but feels different in the moment. Listen, my point is… do you- do you think Buck would see it that way? Do you think Chimney does? Hen? Maddie? I don’t think  _ I _ could ever convince you that it wasn’t your fault. But you never intended for Buck to get hurt. You tried your best to keep him safe, regardless of whether or not that worked or if Buck agreed with it. And no amount of sitting here in this office, ruminating, is going to wake Buck up. It won’t turn back time. It won’t undo the past.” 

“What do you suggest I do, then?” 

“Fake it ‘til you make it?” 

Bobby bit back a smile. “Wise words.” 

“Wish they were mine.” He thought for a moment. “You know, I may have never met Buck, but for some reason, I feel like he wouldn’t have liked you holing up in here any time we’re not on calls, either. Why don’t you join us for dinner at least?” 

Bobby nodded slowly. “I think we’ve been long overdue for a family dinner, don’t you?” 

“You said it, Captain Nash.” 

“Please, call me Bobby.” 

“Right, uh, Bobby. I was also talking to Hen and Chimney, and I was thinking maybe, if we’re all eating together, we could invite Maddie one night?” 

“That sounds like a great idea, Eddie.”

* * *

That Friday night, they invited Maddie over for dinner. She graciously accepted, and Athena was on her day off, so she decided to join, too. The team spent the afternoon in between calls cooking and preparing for the dinner. It was the most real cooking Eddie had done in a long time, and Bobby was dumbfounded by his complete ineptitude in the kitchen. 

“What do you even feed your son!!?” Bobby had exclaimed incredulously.

Eddie thought for a moment. “Stuff from the freezer sections, my abuela’s leftovers, pizza-” 

“That was rhetorical, Eddie! Rhetorical! Please, I don’t want to know. You know what? I’m going to teach you how to cook, it’s long overdue.” 

Eddie groaned but obliged and spent the rest of the afternoon leading up to the dinner helping Bobby cook. He was exhausted by the time Maddie and Athena arrived, but if the smell emanating through the station indicated anything, he was sure it would be worth it. 

Athena greeted him. They’d met a few times before but hadn’t really gotten to know each other that well; almost everything Eddie knew about Athena was from other people. Maddie, however, he’d never actually met in person before. 

“Hi, you must be Maddie!” He said, extending his hand. 

“Right, and you must be Eddie,” she smiled, accepting. 

“I’ve heard so much about you; it’s nice to finally meet you.” 

“Yes, well… it’s nice to meet you, too,” she said slowly, unsure of what to say. “I hope- I hope the city has been treating you well.” 

“Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s been a nice change of pace from Texas.” 

“Maddie!” Eddie heard from behind him. Chimney. “You’re here. Welcome. Dinner’s almost ready, and it looks great. Eddie’s been in there with Cap all afternoon getting it ready, actually.” 

“Hm, yeah, luckily it’s mostly Bobby’s handiwork. I couldn’t put together a decent meal if my life depended on it.” 

Maddie smiled. “Buck was the same way. I was so shocked when I moved to LA and he actually, like, cooked me real food. Bobby Nash is a real miracle worker, teaching generations of men how to fulfill their basic needs.” Her comment was bittersweet, knowing how many times Buck had hung over his shoulder as he threw leftover empanadas in the toaster oven, unable to do anything to help. 

A bit of awkwardness hung in the air, so Eddie excused himself. “I’m going to go check on the food. Nice to meet you, again, Maddie.” 

She smiled in response. 

Over dinner, much of the initial awkwardness had luckily faded. “So, Eddie, I hear you have a son?” Maddie began, “how is he liking LA?” 

“Oh, uh, he loves it. Yeah, he just started at this school, it’s really cool, it specializes in integrated kids with disabilities and kids without. It’s nice that he can get the support that he needs while still feeling normal. I think he misses my parents a little, but LA is a cool city. He keeps talking about how he wants to learn to surf. I’m trying to find a good school with experience in adaptive surfing for when the water gets a little warmer.” 

Hen chuckled and said in an overly sweet voice, “Oh, sweetie. It’s California. The water’s not getting any warmer.” 

Eddie scrunched his nose. “Really?” 

Everyone laughed. “Rookie mistake,” Maddie teased. “Listen, I get it, I’m from the east coast.” 

“Yeah, well. I’m from the desert. Closest ocean is, like, a 12-hour drive at least, easily.” He thought for a second. “Really? I mean, back home any pool or lake would get piss warm by like the second day of summer.” 

Hen chuckled. “You do realize that there’s, like, a volume difference between a swimming pool and the entire Pacific Ocean, right?” 

“I mean, I guess?” 

“Listen, it’ll be fine. Just buy a wetsuit and he’ll be fine. Ideally, he’ll spend most of his time on top of the water instead of in it anyways.”

Maddie started laughing suddenly. “I’m sorry. Oh god, I just remembered. When me and Buck were kids,” an odd air filled the room when she said Buck’s name, but she smiled and pushed it aside and kept talking, “When we were kids, our parents would always ship us off to Rhode Island for a couple of weeks to stay with our grandparents, and they sent us to this surf school,” she paused for a second to regain her composure from laughing to much at the memory, “the school was staffed, like completely, by apathetic high schoolers and college students who didn’t want to be there, so during lunch they would do this thing to keep us entertained called ‘beach sumo’ and they would make us wrestle each other. Okay, I’m not making this sound as funny as it actually was, but just like, imagine a bunch of 7-year-olds wrestling each other in the sand. They made brackets and everything.” 

“Did you learn to surf at least?” Chimney asked. 

“I don’t even remember. Not well, at least.” 

“Huh,” Eddie heard from behind him. “I forgot about that.” He resisted the urge to turn around. It was Buck’s voice. 

“Oh,” Eddie said suddenly, “I think we’re running low on garlic bread. We’ve got more in the kitchen, I’ll go grab it.” He stood and headed towards the kitchen area before anyone could protest. 

As he moved the second tray of bread onto a plate, he said in a hushed voice away from the bantering dinner party. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine,” Buck said in a hushed voice before letting out a laugh and returning to a normal voice. “I guess I don’t need to hush, do I? I just… heard about the fun. Wanted to check it out. Is that- is that okay?” 

“Yeah, of course. You’re welcome here any time, B-” he cut himself off, worried that saying Buck’s name would attract any attention. He moved the last piece of bread to the platter and returned to the table. The conversation had moved on to discussing May’s college applications. 

“Karen actually just got a new job offer. It’s super exciting. She loves freelance work, but I know she wants to change it up a little. We are trying to figure out childcare, though, which is a nightmare. I don’t know how you do it, Eddie, especially as a single parent.” 

Eddie sighed. “Yeah, I’m really lucky I’ve got family in the city. His bisabuela can’t get enough of him. It can be a lot, sometimes, though, that’s for sure. I actually, uh, I recently found a home health aide who’s going to be helping a couple of times a week, so that’s nice. She’s great, Chris just can’t get enough of her.” 

“Oh, really? What’s her name?” Hen asked. 

“Uh, Carla.” 

“Wait, that’s crazy. If I remember correctly, Abby’s mom had a home health aide named Carla before she passed away.” 

“Who-” Eddie started before he could stop himself. 

“My ex,” Buck said quickly, picking up on Eddie’s panic. “Don’t panic, okay? We got this.” 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s actually, uh, how I found out about her?” 

“How?” Hen asked. 

“The neighbors,” Buck said quickly. 

“The neighbors!” Eddie repeating, trying very hard to hide his anxiety. “Yeah, one of my neighbors mentioned her, actually. She knew her from, uh, Abby. And her mom.” 

“But Buck and Abby moved into that apartment after her mom had passed.” 

“Yeah, of course, right, well, they were still, like, friends. So that’s how my neighbor must have known her.” 

“Smooth,” Buck said. 

“Right. Interesting. Makes sense.” Hen still seemed suspicious, but satisfied for now. 

“Okay, I’ll say it,” Maddie said. “I am really confused.” 

Chimney chuckled. “Oh, yeah, we didn’t tell you? Eddie over there is living in Buck’s old apartment.” 

Maddie blinked. “What? Really?” 

Eddie exhaled. “Uh, crazy coincidence, right? I mean, it opened up around the same time I got the job here, so…” 

“Huh. Crazy.” With that Maddie looked down at her plate and waited for someone else to say something. 

“So, uh, Athena,” Hen started, swiftly changing the subject, “what’s Harry been up to?” 

The conversation carried on for a while longer a bit less animately than before, and Buck left pretty quickly. Their dinner party got cut off when the station alarm started to ring, predictably, and Eddie left the dining area with a quick mental note to be more careful and to ask Buck who the hell Abby was. 

* * *

“She’s just my ex, Eddie, I don’t know what to tell you.” 

“Why did you never mention her?” 

Buck sighed. “I don’t know, okay? She’s who I bought this apartment with, after her mom died. And she tried to stick around, for me, but in the end, she hated it here. She wanted to travel and do all of the things her mom wanted to do when she was younger. So, she hopped on a plane to Ireland and told me she’d be back, but then a week became a month and Ireland became Western Europe and suddenly she was running around Europe sleeping with European guys and not even having the guts to actually break things off with me.” 

“Sounds messy. I’m sorry, Buck. You don’t deserve that.” 

Buck shrugged. “I just… I don’t know. She just ghosted me, I guess. Except now I’m the ghost.” He furrowed his eyebrows, thinking far too hard about the implications of the term “ghosted” in his otherworldly state. 

“Let’s see what she’s up to now,” Eddie said, pulling out his phone. 

“What? No! What are you doing?” 

“I am logging onto one of the most malicious websites on the whole Internet - Facebook.” 

Buck scoffed. “Damn, Eddie. I mean, I knew you were old but…” 

“What? Does she not use Facebook?” 

“No, she does. I think she updates her Instagram more, or at least she did while she was in Europe, but you can probably find more useful information on Facebook.” 

“Okay, what’s her last name?” 

“Clark.”   
Eddie bit his lip. “This might be harder than I thought.” 

Buck rolled his eyes. “Just go to my page. Or Carla’s. Or anyone else’s. You can find her in the friends list.” The next few minutes went by painstakingly as Buck attempted to guide Eddie through the basic functions of Facebook. 

“Here, here! I got it,” Eddie exclaimed. “Okay, she’s pretty, yes, and she’s in Phoenix! And shejustannouncedherengagement.” 

“What?” 

“She, uh, she just got engaged. To some guy. In Arizona.” 

Buck blinked. “What?” He started pacing. “That just- it doesn’t make any sense. Why- I just don’t understand.” He stopped suddenly. “You have to message her?” 

“What? No! What would I even say? Oh, hey, Abby. I’m friends with your ex’s ghost. Mind telling me why you ditched him and went to Arizona to marry some other guy? Nah, man. This is a Facebook stalking mission only.” 

“Come on, Eddie! Please? For me?” He begged. Eddie couldn’t say no to those eyes, and Buck knew it. 

“Fine, okay. Okay. This is fine. What do I say? Am I your friend? Carla’s?” 

“Just say you’re my friend. She doesn’t need to know you moved here after the accident. Just say- just say you’re checking in.” 

“Okay, okay.” He tapped out the letters slowly as Buck waited impatiently. 

_ EDDIE DIAZ: Hey, Abby! I’m a friend of Buck’s. I’m just checking in _

“What’d she say?” 

“Slow down, Buckaroo. She hasn’t responded yet.” He stared at his phone for a few minutes until the little bubble next to his message changed. “I can see her picture! That means she saw it, right? Oh, she’s typing!” 

_ ABIGAIL CLARK: hi, eddie. that’s… sweet, respectfully, but you can tell buck he can message me himself if he needs to talk to me _

Eddie’s face fell, and Buck noticed. “What? What is it?” 

“She, uh, she doesn’t know. I don’t think she knows, you know, about the accident.” 

“Oh, well, uh, you need to tell her.” 

“What? Me? I can’t! How do you even say that in a Facebook message.” 

“FaceTime her.” 

“I… I don’t know.” 

“Eddie, what is she going to think if she finds out later and realizes that you made the deliberate decision to not tell her that I was in a coma?” 

Eddie sighed. “Okay, fine. I’ll tell her.” 

_ EDDIE DIAZ: oh, uh, do you think we could facetime? It’s important, there’s something you need to know that you probably shouldn’t find out about over next.  _

_ ABIGAIL CLARK: um, okay. give me 5 min. _

They waited in silence for most of the five minutes. This was not how Eddie had planned to spend his afternoon. Finally, his phone lit up with the call. He hit the receive button as Buck stood over his shoulder. 

“Hey, Eddie,” she laughed nervously. “I have to admit, you’ve got me worried here.” 

“Yeah, um, listen Abby. There’s no easy way to say this, and, uh, I mean, I don’t even know you, but I feel like I should tell you - Buck was in a car accident a few months ago. He’s in a coma, and, uh, they don’t think he’s going to wake up.” 

“Oh, god. Oh, wow, I- Oh my god.” Eddie gave her a minute to process. 

He glanced at Buck and sighed. “I, uh, I know this is really overstepping, but, um, I know your breakup with Buck was kinda… messy. For him, at least. I guess… I guess I’m just wondering how you got to where you are. You know, in Arizona, engaged. You didn’t tell Buck any of it.” He felt guilty saying it, but he knew that Buck needed this. 

A look of guilt flashed across her face. “I- Buck didn’t deserve what I did. He really didn’t. He’s a great guy, and anyone would be so, so lucky to have him. Or he was a great guy, I guess. I can’t- I can’t believe this is actually happening. I, um, I just felt trapped in LA. Not by Buck, of course, but by the city. I just needed to get out. I met Sam while he was on vacation with his daughters in Greece. I didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did, I really didn’t. But Buck didn’t deserve what I did. I should have just been up front with him, but I… I was too selfish. And the longer I went without making that call, the easier it was to just… not. I don’t- I’m happy where I am, Eddie, I really am, and I wouldn’t change it, but I wish I hadn’t treated Buck the way I did, and god, I wish I could tell him.” Her voice broke with tears. 

Eddie glanced over to Buck who was pacing again, silent, nodding. “He, uh, I think he knows, Abby. He knew you didn’t mean to hurt him. He wasn’t the kind of person to really keep grudges, you know? I think he forgave you, Abby.” Buck gave him a soft, sad smile. 

“I’m not sure if I deserve forgiveness, Eddie.” 

He exhaled. “Lucky for you, you’re not the one who decides that.” 

Abby didn’t respond. 

“I’m, uh, I’m gonna let you process all that, okay? I know it’s a lot. I really just wanted to check in. Hang in there, Abby.” 

“Let me know if anything changes?” 

“Of course.” 

He hung up the phone and looked to Buck who still hadn’t spoken, despite typically not hesitating to talk to Eddie even when he was with other company. 

“At least now I know,” he said softly. 

“Yeah, now you know.” 

* * *

“Maddie and I started talking again,” Chimney announced with a smile on his face. They were all eating dinner together, as they were trying to do every shift that allowed it for the past couple of weeks. 

Hen’s eyes lit up. “Really? That’s great, Chim!” 

“Yeah, well… I’m not totally sure where it will go yet, but I’m just glad we’re friends again.” 

“That’s amazing,” Bobby said. “I’m really proud of you. This is a really big step.” 

Chim sighed. “Honestly, we both just wish we hadn’t  _ stopped _ talking. I don’t think anything can be the same after… the accident, and after Doug, but may it doesn’t need to be.”

Hen placed a hand on his shoulder and looked into his eyes. “Who are you and what have you done with Howard Han?” She broke into a smile and playfully punched his shoulder. “I’m kidding, now we just need to set this one up with someone,” she teased, gesturing to Eddie. “What’s your type? Tall, blonde? Dark, handsome?” 

Eddie let out a nervous laugh. “No, no, the only significant other I need in my life right now is a good night’s sleep and maybe a beer. Single parent, full-time firefighter, doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for dating.” 

Hen narrowed her eyes and decided not to push it. “Fine, but don’t think this is over.” 

Eddie wasn’t sure why he was so against the idea of dating. He’d thought about it when he’d first moved to LA, getting out there, starting over, but he was truly too busy and too stressed. But now, he and Chris had fully moved into their apartment, they had a routine, they had his abuela and school and work sorted out into neat boxes, they even had Carla. But for some reason, dating was the last thing Eddie wanted to do right now. 

As he started washing some of the dishes from dinner, Chim joined him to dry them and put them away. “Hey, um, I wanted to thank you,” he told Eddie. 

“What?” 

“For what you said about your, uh, your wife. Turns out you were right.” 

“No problem. There’s, huh, no right or wrong way to do things here, with this stuff, you know? We’re all just doing our best.” 

“Right, yeah. Well, thanks anyways for the advice. I don’t think I would have ever gotten the initiative to text her without it.” 

“Hey, don’t underestimate yourself. From what I can tell, you and Maddie mesh really well together. I hope things work out the way you want them to.” 

“Me, too.” 

The rest of the shift went by quickly. It was a long night of car accidents and toaster fires. He returned home to an energized newly-awoken Christopher and released Carla from her duties. Once the door had closed behind her, Chris started excitedly, “Daddy, Daddy! Buck’s gonna help me play Final Fantasy. Come play with us!”

Eddie sighed. His eyelids were nagging him and his body ached, but he couldn’t say no to Chris. “Okay, okay. Go get set up, okay, buddy? I’m gonna get myself something to eat. Did you have breakfast yet?” 

“Yes, dad,” Christopher groaned as he made his way to the PS4. He was growing quite well into the attitude of your typical preteen. 

As he stared aimlessly into his slowly-filling mug of coffee under the Keurig machine Buck convinced him to buy, a voice over his shoulder made him jump. 

“Long shift?” 

“Just a normal Saturday night in LA,” Eddie sighed. “God, I hate Saturday shifts. I want to spend the weekend with my son, but I spent all of Saturday on the job, and now I’m too exhausted to even do anything-” 

“Eddie, Eddie. Don’t sweat it. Christopher knows you love him and you would play with him all the time if you could, but he also knows that your job is important and that you help people. Besides, a Saturday shift means you have both Saturday  _ and  _ Sunday off next weekend, and I’m pretty sure that kid is in the living room right now forming a list of all the things he’s gonna guilt you into doing with him.” 

“You’re right,” Eddie said, and Buck smiled. His smile faded a moment after, though, as his mind went somewhere else. “What’s wrong?” 

“That’s what I miss the most, I think.” 

“What?” 

“Helping people. It’s been… it’s been so long…” 

Eddie nodded. “Bobby told me, you know, about what happened before the accident.” Buck didn’t respond. “Pulling people out of fires and ripping open their car doors aren’t the only ways to help people, you know. I mean, you helped me help Maddie, and Chimney, and Bobby. You helped me and Christopher get adjusted to LA, that’s for sure. I was worried about him, you know, a big move like this. He’d never been anywhere more than an hour’s drive from El Paso before. But he’s doing great. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him happier. You even helped me find some extra help for Chris because you saw I was struggling. Helping people wasn’t your job, Buck. It’s just who you are, and it didn’t stop when you had to go on medical leave, it didn’t even stop when you went into a coma. I don’t know what’s ahead of you, after this, but I know you’ll help people there, too.” 

“Dad! Buck! Come on!” Christopher yelled impatiently. 

Buck blinked. “We should uh-” He gestured to Chris. 

Eddie took a swig of his coffee. “Yeah,” he sighed. 

Truthfully, Buck did most of the mental work of playing video games with Chris for him. It was a roleplaying game, so Eddie just sat back and watched with drooping eyelids as Buck animatly guided Christopher through the story, only occasionally interceding to help them with some controls. Watching them, sleepily, Eddie realized that he couldn’t imagine a life in LA for him and Chris without Buck. He knew it was selfish but as they joked around, all Eddie could think about was how he didn’t want Buck to leave. Despite doing everything in his power to help Buck move on, despite knowing that was what he deserved, Eddie couldn’t let go. It wasn’t realistic, and it wasn’t fair to Buck, he knew. After all, if nothing else, Chris’ ability to see Buck would likely fade in the next couple of years.

At some point, he must have fallen asleep, because he woke to Christopher pulling the edges of a throw blanket over him, with Buck talking him through it. Chris excused himself to the bathroom and Buck took a seat at the end of the sofa.

“Thank you,” Eddie told him. 

“For what?” 

“For being such a good friend to him. For playing with Chris when I can’t.” 

“He’s a great kid to be around, it’s no problem.” 

Eddie thought for a moment, but in the delirium of his sleepiness, his tongue slipped. “I- I’m gonna miss you.” 

“I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.” 

“Come on, Buck.” 

“Really, I like being around, Eddie. I like it here.” 

“Maybe you do, but are you happy here? Could you ever be happy, watching the world go on without you? That’s not fair to ask of you, Buck. No matter how badly I want you around, I could never ask that of you.” 

“Okay. Yeah, you’re right. But I’m here now, right? So don’t go there. I’m here for now. Let’s just enjoy it. Let’s enjoy this.” He took Eddie’s hand, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he attempted the physical contact. It was strange, the feeling of a ghostly hand in his. 

“Okay, for now.”

* * *

Eddie knew he was in trouble when Hen cornered him in the locker room at the end of their shift. 

“Hey, Ed, can we talk for a sec?” 

“Of course, what’s up?” 

“I, well, it’s kind of a funny story, actually. You see, I was at the grocery store the other day and I ran into Abby. You know, Buck’s ex? Yeah, yeah, and it was very interesting because she said that she came to town to say goodbye to Buck and tie up loose ends, and she also said that she had talked to… you. She said that you told her about Buck, that you told her you were his friend, which was truly news to me because the last time I checked, you didn’t even move to LA until after Buck went into a coma.”

“Oh, wow. You see, that’s so interesting, actually. Um, actually, I, uh, I messaged her after a talk with Carla, and I just thought it would be easier to say I was-” 

“Funny you mention Carla. What a weird coincidence that was. I mean, I remember when Buck tried to befriend them, they were straight up assholes. And, you know, Buck, he was super outgoing, made it his business to be everybody’s friend, but you? Reserved military man, I guess I just didn’t peg you as the overtly neighborly type.” 

“What? So I can’t be friendly? What are you getting at, Hen?” 

“What am I getting at? What are you getting at, Eddie? What’s your goal here? What are you? Some kind of crazy stalker? Trying to exploit our grief for your own-” 

“No! What? How could you even think that? You know me!” 

“I don’t want to believe it Eddie, but you can’t deny that things aren’t adding up here. I don’t know what to believe.” 

“Fine. Okay, you’re right. I know things I shouldn’t. But I’m not a stalker, and I’m not trying to exploit you, any of you. Please, I can explain.” 

Hen crossed her arms. “I’m waiting.” 

Eddie took a deep breath. “Not here. Come with me? Back to my apartment.” 

Hen considered it for a moment. “Fine.” 

The car ride was long and awkward. Eddie tried to make small talk, but Hen shut it down. As Eddie parked the car, he steadied himself for a moment. “He’s usually at the apartment when I get back from my shift.” 

“Who?” 

“Buck.” 

“What does that even mean?” 

Eddie thought for a moment. 

“Buck’s in a coma, Eddie.” 

“Yeah, I know,” he said in a soft voice. “And his ghost is in my apartment. Our apartment, I guess.” 

Hen blinked. “Okay, I’m sorry, but you need serious help, Eddie.” 

“Hen, please! I- I can prove I’m telling the truth, just talk to him. And I- I think we need your help.” 

Hen scoffed. 

“I’m serious. I’ve been trying to help Buck like… achieve peace or whatever, so he can move on. I mean, I don’t want him to go, but he doesn’t deserve to be stuck here. Maybe- maybe you’ll have some ideas. Chim and Maddie, Bobby, Abby, it was all to try to help him, but he’s still here.” 

Hen didn’t look like she believed him, but she followed him upstairs anyways. Buck was in the living room when they entered the apartment. 

Eddie cleared his throat, and Buck turned to see Hen. “She figured it out,” Eddie told him. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean she figured out enough that it didn’t make sense to keep lying.”

“Are you sure… Are you sure that’s a good idea?” 

Eddie turned to see Hen looking more than slightly on edge. “You… you’re crazy,” she said. “You need some serious help, Eddie.” 

“No! I’m not-” he started. “I’m not crazy, okay? I can prove it. Just ask him something, something I wouldn’t know.” 

“No, I don’t- I won’t- I don’t believe in this crap. All of this bullshit, it’s not real. I believe you, okay? I believe you believe this is real, but it’s not. How long has this been happening?”

“That’s a lie,” Buck said, his eyes narrow. Eddie shot him a look of confusion. “Hen is crazy superstitious.” He tilted his head towards the ceiling and howled. 

Eddie turned to Hen. “He said you’re superstitious and then he… howled?” 

Hen crossed her arms. “Believing in the full moon does not make me superstitious and it sure as hell does not mean I believe in ghosts or spirits or whatever the fuck- Nope. No!” 

Buck sighed. “She’s right. I mean, everyone believes in the full moon.” 

“I don’t,” Eddie admitted before he could stop himself. 

“What!? Are you joking?” Buck asked in disbelief. 

“Well, statistically speaking-” 

“No, no, I don’t want to hear anything about you or your fancy numbers, this is about facts.” Eddie rolled his eyes in response. 

“What? What was that?” Hen asked. 

“Buck said he doesn’t want anything to do with me and my fancy numbers.” 

Hen looked at him skeptically. “Fine. One question.” Eddie nodded and Hen thought for a moment. “Why’d he get fired?” 

Eddie gave Buck another questioning look. Buck looked down. “I mean, it was complicated, but the last straw was when I stole a ladder truck to hook up with snake girl.” 

Eddie’s eyes narrowed. “I’m sorry, you did  _ what _ ?” 

“It was years ago, before I even got with Abby. I met her on a call, she was a vic.” 

“She was a _ victim _ !?” 

“You see, that sounds worse than vic.” 

“Eddie?” Hen asked, reminding him that she was still there and could not, in fact, see the ghost in the room. 

“Right, sorry. He says the last straw was when he stole a ladder truck to hook up with… a victim? Snake girl?” His eyes widened. “God, there’s so much to unpack there.” 

“Listen,” Buck defended himself. “I had a lot of issues with power dynamics back then. I even slept with my therapist.” 

“You slept with your therapist?”

“Is that why she got fired?” Hen asked. 

“Guilty,” Buck admitted, and Eddie relayed the message. 

“Okay,” she said slowly. “Okay, but how do I know you didn’t find this out from- from Abby or Bobby or Maddie or Chim?” 

“Do you really think they’d go around gossiping about this stuff. Also, on what Earth would I tell my sister or my ex that I almost lost my job for a hookup?” 

Eddie turned to Hen. “Just think about it for a sec. Do you really think that’s the kind of thing they’d openly talk about, especially now, after everything that’s happened? I doubt it’s the kind of thing Bobby put down in paperwork, either.”

“Okay, fine,” she relented, tears forming in her eyes, “I guess… I guess I believe you. But why didn’t you say anything sooner? God, Eddie, you need to tell-” 

“No. No, Hen. No one can know.” He looked at Buck who gave him silent permission to continue. “Just think about how you reacted today. No one can find out. Besides, it wasn’t my decision, it was Buck’s. It’s better this way. Maddie, Bobby, you’re all finally starting to heal and move forward. Something like this would halt all of that progress, if not pull them backwards. It would keep them from letting go.” 

“Letting go? You don’t just  _ let go _ -” 

“I know. I know. But, listen. They don’t need to lose him an extra time, okay?” 

“Yeah, okay,” she said quietly. He wasn’t sure if she totally believed him, but he didn’t need her to. She just needed to keep things to herself. 

“Here, why don’t you help me get a pizza in the oven? We can eat and you can chat with Buck, however long you want.” 

* * *

A few weeks had passed, and Buck was still the same. Chim finally worked up the courage to ask Maddie out, to which she happily accepted. They were trying to find a time that worked for both of their very odd work schedules, which proved to be more of a challenge than the ask had been in the first place. Nevertheless, they were growing closer, Bobby had started to see a therapist specializing in grief, and Buck and Abby had much more closure than they ever had before the car accident. And yet, Buck was still tethered to this dreary planet. 

The fact that Buck hadn’t left yet became more bothersome for Eddie as each day passed. Buck liked to joke that he was really hell-bent on getting rid of him, but the truth was he was terrified. He was terrified of losing Buck, but he felt like if he could help Buck, after everything Buck had done to help him, if he could control this, if it could be on their terms, it wouldn’t be so difficult. Focusing on this stopped him from focusing on the after. 

“Do you think it’s because of us?” Eddie asked Hen one afternoon while they were alone in the locker room. It was nice, having someone to talk to about everything, someone who knew his secret, as skeptical as she was at first. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Like the reason he’s still here. Do you think it’s because of me and Christopher?” 

Hen rolled her eyes. “Slow down there, lover boy, you’re getting cocky. Have you even asked him on a date yet.” 

Eddie stood up defensively. “What? No! That’s not what I- I just meant-” 

Hen laughed. “Relax, Eddie, I was just joking. I know what you meant. I know what you and Christopher mean to him, what he means to you. Maybe, I don’t know. Would that really be the worst thing?” 

He sighed. “He’s stuck, Hen. He’s stuck in a world of almost complete isolation, unable to interact with the world going on without him. We’re not worth that.” 

“I’m not sure that’s your decision, then, Eddie. If that’s really why he hasn’t… moved on… or whatever, then I don’t think that’s up to you. Just give him some time, and one day, he’ll be ready. You will be too. Besides, maybe it’s not. Maybe there’s something else, something no one’s thought of yet. Maybe it’s just the coma that’s keeping him here.” 

“Yeah, maybe.” It was the most logical thing, right? His living body was tethering him to this planet. It would make sense, but at the same time, did that mean all coma patients were stuck as ghosts watching themselves waste away? Because of modern medicine, many bodies could live for much longer than they would have in the past. When did the spiritual death come? These were questions that could not easily be answered. 

They were interrupted when Chimney came into the locker room looking a bit panicked. “Emergency meeting upstairs now.” 

“What? Why? What happened?” Hen asked, but Chimney just bit his lip and left without answering. 

They exchanged panicked glances. Eddie suddenly wished that ghosts could answer text messages. His stomach was in knots as him and Hen took seats on the sofa upstairs. Bobby came out a moment later. 

“What is it, Chim?” Bobby asked. 

Chimney took a deep breath. “I just got a call from Maddie. Her parents have decided that, uh, it’s time. They’re flying in next weekend, and they’re going to pull the plug, so we should get in our last visits. She said they’re planning on staying around for the next week for the funeral services, so at least that means it’ll be in the city.” 

“Whoa,” Hen said. “I can’t believe it’s finally happening. It doesn’t feel real.” 

“I know.” He looked down. “It feels right, though, you know? It’s been months, maybe months too long.” 

“Cap?” Hen asked. “You alright?” He hadn’t responded, not even reacted. He was just staring into space. 

“Huh? Yeah, yeah, I- Thank you, Chim, for letting us know.” 

“Of course.” 

Bobby stood up, looking a bit disoriented. “I, uh, I should call Athena.” He turned sharply towards his office and beelined away from them before anyone could stop him. 

Eddie took Hen’s hand and gave her a silent, sad smile. In a few days, her theory would be tested, and the possibilities terrified him. 

Later in the shift, away from listening ears, they came to an agreement that Eddie would tell Buck what was happening when he got home. Hen would come over later in the week to say her potential goodbyes, and they could sort out anything that would make Buck’s physical death easier. Hen also offered to talk to Chimney and see if she could get a more specific time frame as to when his parents plan to take him off of life support, and if she heard anything, she would let him know. 

Eddie had no idea how to explain something like this to Chris. He’d worry about that after he told Buck. 

“Your parents are apparently coming to the city next weekend.” 

“What? Why would they-?” His eyes widened in realization. “Oh.” 

“Yeah… Maddie told Chimney last night.” 

He didn’t say anything for a few moments. “I guess it has been a while, hasn’t it?” Eddie nodded sadly. “Do you think… do you think that’s why I’m still here?” 

“There’s no way to know for sure, not until…” 

“Yeah.” 

“Hen will tell me if she figured out the exact frame, but we’re guessing sometime next weekend. So, we, uh, you’ve got a week, at least. If there’s anything you want to, like, see or do anything…” 

“God, this feels so morbid. Like I’m a prisoner being asked what I want for my last meal.” 

Eddie sighed. “I mean, look at it this way, we don’t know what comes after this, but it could be really nice. Some paradise, filled with everything you could ever dream of.” 

“Or there could be nothing.” 

“You could be reborn into like, the kid who’s gonna cure cancer. Or become the president.” 

“Or design the robots that wipe out the human race, except the robots kill me last because I designed them so I have to watch everyone I love along with the rest of the world die first.” 

“Don’t you think that’s a little melodramatic?” 

“I get to be melodramatic, I’m dying!” 

“Yeah, and you have been for, like, months.” 

“You know what I mean! What if I go to hell or something.” 

Eddie laughed. “If hell does exist, you’re definitely not going there, Buck. And if you do, then it means the rest of us are fucked; we’ve been fucked all along. There’s no point in even trying. And I can’t believe that. So, you’re definitely not going to hell.” 

“That’s sappy as hell, no pun intended.” 

“Fine, I’m sappy and you’re melodramatic. I’m glad we’ve finally established roles in this relationship.” 

“Can we just ignore it? For a little while. We have a week.” 

“Okay,” Eddie sighed. “If that’s what you want. But we need to tell Christopher still. Or, I mean, I do, but I would really appreciate it if you could help me.” 

“Of course.” 

Christopher took the news surprisingly well. He cried a bit and told Buck that he’d miss him, but he understood. He also told Buck to tell his dad what games to buy because Eddie was really awful at picking out video games he liked. Then, he pulled himself together and asked Buck to play with him, as if the earlier conversation hadn’t happened. 

Eddie could do that, he could ignore Buck’s possible impending departure along with his son and his… friend, but they wouldn’t be able to ignore it for much longer. He just hoped that they would be ready.

* * *

Saturday came far, far too fast. Eddie had it on good authority (meaning that’s what Hen told him) that they were planning on taking Buck off of life support that afternoon. Eddie had been on the Friday shift which meant on top of everything else, he was exhausted. He arranged for Chris to spend the day with his bisabuela, so Christopher’s goodbye came first. 

Eddie gave the two some privacy, but he could tell it was wet and heart wrenching, though Chris understands death better than most children. Eddie finished getting his son ready before they had one last goodbye before getting Chris into the car. The car ride gave the boy about twenty minutes of quiet to get himself ready to see his family. Eddie gave Chris a tight hug as he left and told him how proud he was of him and to call him if he needed anything or wanted to get picked up. Once Chris was inside, Eddie set off. There was a reason he was handing his son off at such a difficult time: Buck had finally agreed to let him visit him in the hospital. 

It was a strange thing to request, but Eddie had simply told Maddie that he’d heard so much about Buck, he wanted to pay his respects before he died. She seemed a bit confused but it made enough sense. 

Eddie’s heart raced as he made his way to the hospital. He didn’t know what to expect from the visit. Would it help or would it just hurt more? He had no idea. The Buckleys were coming around noon to say their own goodbyes and hold Buck’s hand as he passed, so Eddie had the all-clear to come by during the morning. 

Stepping into the hospital, he felt nauseous. Sure, he was a firefighter, but most of the hand-offs happened outside and the ones that did bring him into the ER usually had his adrenaline levels so high he didn’t even notice the nauseating smell of cleaning supplies. To be fair, most people didn’t have very positive associations with hospitals anyways, even if they and their loved ones left the hospital doors alive. 

The wait to get his visitor’s pass and Buck’s room number felt like it took forever. At some point, a wild Buck appeared. 

“You know, I could just tell you the hospital room number. I could sneak you up there. It would be much easier.” 

Eddie rolled his eyes, and lifted his cell phone to his ear, pretending to take a call. This was the system they used the few times that they’d wanted to speak in public. “I don’t think being escorted out of the hospital by security today would be a good look.” 

Buck groaned. “I guess you’re right, goody-two-shoes. This is just soooo boring.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

Chatting with Buck helped time pass until someone was available to help him. 

The elevator ride up to the fifth floor was even more nerve-wracking than the car ride. He didn’t know why he was so anxious. Sure, he was technically meeting Buck in real life for the first time, but it’s not like Buck was conscious. 

His body and nerves went still as he finally made it to the hospital room. The body in the bed clearly resembled the ghost he had spent so much time with, but at the same time, it didn’t. It was much, much paler. It was much thinner. His face looked gaunt. He looked as if he’d spent the past several months wasting away in a hospital bed. Eddie sighed. He understood why it was time, it was past time, even though he wanted Buck’s spirit to stay. Tears forming in his eyes, he finally realized: Buck was dead. As good as, at least. ***

Buck looked around uncomfortably as they both entered. Eddie took a deep breath and sat down next to the bed. Buck took a seat on the other side. 

“So,” Eddie started, “You know, it’s kind of funny, it feels like I know you, like really know, better than almost anyone, even though we’ve never met in real life.” Eddie tilted his head and suddenly stood up to close the door. “It’s been a long time… a really long time since someone mattered to me the way that you do. I- I don’t know how to say goodbye.” 

“Then don’t,” Buck said, standing up and coming over to Eddie. “I didn’t think I’d ever love someone the way I love you, not after Abby, and definitely not after the accident. I wish- I wish I wasn’t myself, Eddie. I wish anything were different. I wish we’d met at a different time. I wish there could have been a real chance for us. I wish I could have taken you out to some fancy restaurant and made half of the people over fifty instantly uncomfortable. I wish… I don’t know. I wish I could give you what you deserve.” 

Eddie shook his head, tears in his eyes. “This  _ is _ real, Buck. We’re real. I don’t need some fancy restaurant or anything else. You’ve already given me anything I could have wanted. Now… all I want now is for you to be given all of the things you deserve, everything the universe owes, all of the things I can’t give you but hopefully some just higher power can.” 

“I don’t want it, Eddie, not without you.” 

Eddie’s voice shook. “I don’t think that’s something we get to decide.” There was silence for a few minutes as they reflected on everything this meant. “No. This can’t be- there has to be something,” he said frantically. He may have been admitting that the issue was out of their hands a moment earlier, but the panic had finally, finally set in. “There has to be something they didn’t do, something that they didn’t check, something that they missed,  _ something- _ ” 

“What, and you’re gonna find it? You and what medical degree, Eddie? There’s nothing. I’m gone, I’ve been gone for months. We’ve just… We’re living in a fantasy, Eddie. I’m sorry.” 

“Maybe it’s not medical, then. I mean, I can see ghosts. Maybe there’s something… supernatural that can help us.” 

“What, are you a necromancer now? Nothing short of a miracle could bring me back, Eddie.” 

“There has to be something,” Eddie cried. “It’s not fair.” 

“No,” he admitted. “It’s not. It’s not. I wish… More than anything, I wish you hadn’t gotten hurt in all of this.” Buck gestured out the window. “Look.” A distraught Maddie and what must be their parents were coming out of a car, walking towards the hospital. They were early, but it meant it was time for Eddie to leave. 

Numb from the conversation, he didn’t say a word, he just followed Buck out of the hospital and to his car. 

“I have to leave you here,” Buck said. They’d agreed, he should be with his family for the end. 

Eddie only nodded. Buck started to turn, and Eddie finally spoke, not caring which strangers in the parking lot would look at him funny. “Loving means losing, and I don’t regret it. I won’t. I wouldn’t change anything. I love you, Buck. I wouldn’t want it to be any different.” 

Buck nodded slowly. “I love you, too,” he said finally, quietly, as he turned. Eddie wanted to say something more, anything, but there weren’t words. There were no words for a situation like theirs. Eddie stood and watched until Buck disappeared into the hospital. He got into his car and drove home. 

The car ride was a complete blur, and when he finally got to the building, he didn’t want to get out of the car. He didn’t want to go home to an empty apartment. When he finally dragged himself home, his heart was heavy as he entered his home. Empty, like he knew it would be. He collapsed into his bed and cried. He sobbed and sobbed until the sobs gave into darkness as the exhaustion that had been eating at him since his shift the night before took over. 

* * *

He woke up to his phone ringing. He groaned and looked at the caller ID to see Hen’s name flashing on the phone screen. His eyes took a second to adjust and he could see that it was already past 6 o’clock. His head ached from the crying and his eyes and cheeks felt raw and crusty. “Hen? What is it?” 

“He’s alive,” she said excitedly, “he’s alive and he’s awake.” 

“What- How-” 

“I don’t know. They don’t know. They’re saying it’s a miracle. Apparently, they went to pull the plug, and he woke up.” Her words echoed in his head.  _ Miracle _ , like Buck had said. It would have taken a miracle to save him, and it did. 

“What- What do you think this means?” 

“I don’t know. I mean, he hasn’t really spoken yet. Or moved much, probably. It’s a really long road to recovery from any coma, and he was in one for months. As for you… Well, I don’t think they have a dummies’ guide to falling in love with a ghost only for him to miraculously come back from the dead, do they?” 

“No, I guess not.” 

“What, no protest?” 

Eddie bit back a bittersweet smile. “Not anymore. I mean, I doubt he’ll remember us. Me and Christopher, I mean.” He sighed. “That’s okay, though. He’s alive, he’s still alive, that’s all that matters. He’s going to get better. He’s going to get another chance to live and love and help people… it’s what he deserves. It’s what the world deserves.” 

“You’re right,” she admitted. “Okay, well, I just thought I would call you to let you know. Let me know if you need anything.” 

“You too. Oh, and thank you, Hen. For everything.” 

“Of course, Eddie.” 

He hung up the phone and placed it back on his bed stand, falling back into his pillow. His heart fluttered in his chest. Buck probably didn’t remember him. There was no telling if Buck would even like him now that he wasn’t confined to almost total social isolation, not to mention the neurological and physical repercussions that came with recovering from a coma. There was no promise they could ever get what they once had back, nor was it even likely. But his heart still fluttered in his chest because he’d meant what he’d said: this is what Buck deserved. And now, there were endless possibilities ahead for the both of them. 

* * *

_NEXT:_

The last thing Evan Buckley remembered the sound of bending metal, the sound of windows shattered. The discordant sounds of the radio as he slipped away from consciousness. A flash of heat, a flash of pain, and then nothing. 

Then… something. He felt himself grasping for it, even though he wasn’t quite sure what it was anymore. Memories, but they slipped past him like liquid slipping past his fingertips no matter how tightly he cupped his hands. 

The world gave away to white. There was a woman standing there, waiting for him. She had brown hair and was wearing a white sundress. He didn’t recognize her. 

She smiled at him and sighed. 

“Who are you?” He asked, but she didn’t respond. 

“Thank you,” she told him. 

“What? For what?” 

“Take care of them for me, my boys. Your boys, now. You make them happy, happier than I could have.” 

“I don’t… I don’t know who you’re talking about… I don’t know who you are…” 

“Don’t worry, you will, when it’s time.” 

The memory faded into what felt like a dream as his heavy eyelids flipped open. Standing around him were his sister and his parents. They were in a hospital. 

“Buck?” Maddie cried. “Oh, Buck, oh my god. Don’t try to speak, okay? You were in a coma. You’re safe, you’re okay now.” 

He couldn’t respond, but he believed her. He trusted her. He just couldn’t help but feel like there was something missing. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I plan on writing a sequel featuring Buck and his re-adjustment to LA. in my fictional timeline, after he wakes up, he returns to PA with his parents to recover, and the fic flash-forwards about a year to his return to LA. he's still dealing with the lasting repercussions of his injuries and is trying to sort out what to do with his life. I'll make it a series so if you want to be notified when part 2 is eventually posted, just subscribe there! 
> 
> kudos and comments are SUPER appreciated!! don't forget to love each other <3 
> 
> Art credits:   
> AO3: @jo_anne_storm https://archiveofourown.org/works/24951238  
> tumblr: @joannestorm https://joannestorm.tumblr.com/post/622191459705241600/story-title-a-shrike-to-your-sharp-and-glorious  
> deviantart: https://www.deviantart.com/joannestorm
> 
> Follow me on tumblr! @nott-the-best


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